shadows

It was 6am, and something made me wake up. I saw a shadow flirting beside my bed as I peeped through my eyes. It was like a dream, but I know it's real, cos I checked the time on my HP.

The shadow was squarish in shape, rectangular in fact. It wasn't scary, but I didn't dare open my eyes fully. The shadow disappeared down the room as I was still struggling to come to terms with the situation.

Was it time or was it just a visitor? I was half hoping it was my dad coming to save me from certain downfall.

loser...

10 things no one knew:

1) i do not like giving lifts to people after work, i need time to myself. As i'm riding Mandy, i listen to my fav CDs, and someone else in the car = awkward silence cos i DO NOT talk after work, esp after a long long day. This of course does not apply to the people closest to me.

2) i absolutely do not dig gatherings, as i have repeated several times.

3) i floss like nobody's business, and i recently added mouthwash to my daily routine.

4) i am a neat freak, but i don't care how my office cubicle looks cos it's NOT mine, and i don't care if there is an ant nest building up.

5) i take solitary lunches sometimes to de-stress. Seeing a boss from another dept sitting right across me = loss of appetite. Saying something like 'so...how's it going?' = could you pls sit at another table? I don't really know you well enough...

6) when i don't talk it dosen't mean i am angry. I am probably thinking about stuff, or too tired to actually talk, but it's usually the former.

7) when i do something for the person i love, I feel so happy cos everything is worth it, whether that feeling is reciprocated or not.

8) i am a pretty shallow person i must admit.

9) i eat to live, i do not live to eat. I hate expensive dinners because simple is best.

10) i am easily misunderstood by people who don't know me well enough. Then again, it isn't that easy to understand me.

deception

i think that i am happy, but i know that deep down, i am not...

too many things bothering me, never at peace with myself, how can i expect myself to be happy?

no one to share these troubles with, and i can't be bothered sharing them anyway...

no person i can trust...i look at yesteryears and i wonder what could have been,

i am a changed person, but does anyone really care?

the one that is gone, never comes back, no one is the one.

i am amazed with myself.

i hate BFGs. Am tired, and sick, karma is exacting her revenge on me.

CFS

chronic fatigue syndrome - seem to be suffering from it lately. So tired and hardly any energy to move an inch from my office seat.

pain - in my lower back area, just above my butt. Been there for almost 1.5 weeks. Shit did I sprain something?

balls - fish eye balls...part of my new diet, they have so much collagen in them.

yawns...i need a good break from work

de-serve

many say i deserve better, but something just says...spice is real nice. Just don't get caught with pants down, balls on fire

when will i learn...

i have learnt that the pain of a sore throat is pretty much enjoyable...

one day...my M3 will come...and we shall ride each other into the desert

in the wilderness...

when all else fails, who shall be my guiding light?
when all hope is lost, who shall I depend on?
slowly as my strength saps away, i yearn for a pillar to lean on, for there is none.
for the one out at sea, the tides are omnipresent, i cannot predict what will happen.
let's just say, will I be the last man standing?

the sore

shit 1 - bad sore throat today. First thing I got up and swallowed my saliva, I knew...that's it.
Must be the waffles and fried chicken with deadly ice cream combo, haven't had such a hideous amount of fried food in a while. Coughing too...

shit 2 - tired...yet again. Wanna sleep, so difficult to crawl out of bed this morning. Only managed to do it at 8am, it was a titanic struggle

shit 3 - sian...thought could have had a pleasant ending to the friday but well, have to think of alternative things to do this evening

passing...

Colleague's wife passed away. Not a close colleague, but still, I feel so sad, not just for him, but for anyone who has experienced this feeling at some point in his or her life. Maybe it's just one of those days, but I cannot imagine my wife leaving me like that one day. I would be hysterical. I experienced it once, and I don't wish to experience it anytime soon.

I have shut my heart for very long. Too long to be exact, at least 2+ years. The pain of losing someone to disease or whatsoever, is too big a grief for me to handle. I might not cry like a girl, but the pain searing through my heart is known only to myself, and to a close few who knows what I am going through. Maybe this is the reason why I am so afraid of loving again...

It's not grief today, but sadness...that only I know the reason for. Fancy me thinking I have a heart of steel, as long as I don't open it. Today was a prime example of how I opened my heart and felt the sting stabbing through. It was like open-heart surgery. I had to stay solemn in that place for 30 minutes. Hopefully no one knew except someone.

I feel lifeless. God grant me strength please...but no, I have lost belief in my religion...I have lost belief in almost everything...No one can save me.

~~ risking non-closure for everything so dear, to me it seems, those precious moments were simply a mitigation of fear... ~~

morbidity

Dreams - the result of a wandering mind. I noticed I tend to dream a lot when I'm not settled up there. Usually, these would be fragments of what I do during the day. Sometimes when I get lucky, I dream of the future, of events that have yet to occur. I had torrid dreams last night, several of them minute enough to forget by the time I woke up. But I did have sweet dreams as well. Drifting in and out of consciousness, I thought I was grinding my teeth as I slept. I woke up feeling as if I had hardly slept a wink...

The world is an evil place. The internet is down, which means no posting until it's up again. It's only Tuesday, 3 more fucking days to go. I'm tired...

Is there even anything to look forward to?

the dump

Feels so good...

Breakfast - had a new meaning - only during this time of the year. It's 7.17pm

Masochism - i'm so into it...dig it...i just get punished day in and day out and I gleefully smile to myself

Happiness - have lost that long ago. It seems like just yesterday...when the sun shone a little brighter

Bleak - my kind of weather. Wet and dark...where the sun dosen't shine

Dump - best done before dinner. Resetting never felt so good

Slippery - not just a person's character, but the good old feeling of 'slide' around the backside

1982 - +29 gives you the present, where the former represents XX wasted years

Blog - getting it off, it's like having sex in a dangerous place

Lethargic - if my spelling was wrong, that feeling cannot be more right

Clutter - 1982 raindrops, have to spend a long time to tidy

Simplicity - if only everyone was innocent

Sex - only for the masses

Keitai - for the stubborn

Contract - already ended. Iphone vs BlueBerry (1-0 to the former)

Hunger - at 8am and 8pm

Creativity - left me since school straightened my thoughts

Sadness - a tinge sometimes. Masochist speaking here...

7.31pm - pangs of hunger...stirring like a flower...upon the full moon...i shall devour

Wolfgang - my secretly desired first name

Office - workaholics bar none

People who take 4 hours for a cuppa at Starbucks - space occupants. Virgin Galactic needs you

Fast spiders - often become bosses

Lee - synonymous with poor taste, especially when applied to heads of state (or head of states or whatever...)

Rally - post WWII propaganda talk

Get out of this country!!!

google - king of terror

OK, I finally get to blog after 4 years. Having too much up my chest recently that I needed a place to blow everything out. Google made the job very fustrating indeed, requesting for a secure password that screams 'FUCK ME'. When my usual chain of passwords are no longer considered 'secure', I am left with no choice but to invent new passwords (yet again!!!) and trying to remember the 10 odd passwords that are now in my inventory. How many more passwords must I conjure up, and how many times must they tell me that the password I have entered is too weak. Is kIjUhYgT considered weak? Fuck Schmidt, or is he no longer the owner anymore?

Yes, 4 years...a freaking long time considering I am becoming an ancient Tree of Wonders. Too many things happened. Too many events to recall. Typing this in office, fingers clicking wildly on the keyboard, colleagues thinking I am working hard...Taking a break, tea-time...

Too much to handle these few weeks. Why am I putting myself thru so much stress? Just as I thought I would go back to the happy-go-lucky fuck-care lifestyle, out pops something that is causing me sleepless nights. And too many to-do things, and too little time. This blog will save my life, and my thoughts...

The list:
Open up and tidy that damn box in my room. Been there for a year
Get room in order, especially bed orientation
Settle my blogger account - DONE (but how do I do a freaking strikethrough on my posts?).
Edit all the photos from 2010 holiday (300+ to go)
Settle the to-do list in office (kinda distracted and cant be bothered)
Erase photos from this blog (so that no one will know who I am) - should I?
Go get that chee**h or whatever that is (only I know what is this)
Place a curse on whoever is reading this blog

By the way, I dreamt of this moment. This moment of me blogging again...deja vu!

The list 2:
Recollections of the recent past. Been thinking too much this past week...
Michelle - Never got you. Stay happily married. I am happy for you
Constance - Never got me. Sorry, I just wasn't into you. Was having the time of my life back then
Jenny - 1 week affair. Ian's book of records. Was nice while it lasted though. You need a sanity check if IMH dosen't come knocking
LJK - Terrific time, wonderful memories on the spicy side, Kimchi style. Sorry but I wasnt looking for a partner to quarrel with me on a near-constant basis. Sorry to make you cry. It was a difficult decision for me as well.
Julie - I forgotten your Malay name. This was one doomed perhaps from the start. Sorry, wont ever change my name to Datuk Ian, especially with some events that occurred right at that point in my life.
Eus - Thought it would end really happily. But fate deals us a cruel hand sometimes. Up until then, you were without a doubt someone I could really depend on. I hope you meet someone who could take good care of you. Make sure he is a good person. You deserve the best.
Mandy - Safe and reliable. I ride you everyday...
XXX - Named you XXX to protect your ID. Not sure how this one would turn out. I am keeping my fingers crossed.

Dont think I left out anyone...If I did, then perhaps it really wasn't worth mentioning...

I have so many things on my chest...I had more during the weekend which could qualify as a thesis entry. But at least i'm quite at peace now...

Demons shall return...and I shall slay them with one hand. Try as I might, but things are harder than they seem.

1982 raindrops, each one heavier than the last.

5.19pm - time to go soon.