criticality

The deadline for my document was brought forward to Feb 15 instead of Mar 15. I didn't say a word, thought of it as more of a challenge to produce this before 28 Feb 15. I know I can do it, it's only if I'm game enough.

Bring it on.

A female colleague told me to eat in the staff mess today, because she wanted to 'stalk' a guy. It was hilarious as I kept teasing her about it. So apparently, there really is a 'butterflies in your stomach' kind of thing when your crush appears out of nowhere, as evidenced by her exhilaration when she went on and on about what actually transpired between the two of them. Being an octagon, I naturally gossiped along with her, although she still kept me guessing as to who the actual guy was. I told her to be brave and go up to him and speak to him directly, that's the only way to establish some form of contact ya?

OK, bad advice *laughs*, but no harm done la. Casual talk only what.

It's going to be a very busy Jan and Feb. Let's see whether the teller's predictions pan out

closure

The year 2014 has been a mixed bag for me, a roller coaster ride that had its highs and lows. It was a happy me this time last year, settled in almost everything, preparing to get married. Thinking about when to propose, making plans, before everything came to naught. I was also getting used to the volume of work thrown at me. Life seemed so rosy and straightforward then

Fast forward to the end of 2014, thankfully I am still calm and collected, but many things have happened since then. XXX is gone. We broke up after close to 6 months of endless debates and quarrels. In the end, I don't think I blame her, for everything happens for a reason. Maybe it just wasn't fated to be. Anyway, hating is tiring. Am at an age whereby I shouldn't stress myself out too much thinking about has-beens and has-nots.

A year of self-discovery, I found this very interesting article in a website which can be used to describe myself:

I would think that most points below are true, at least for me

1) I am not materialistic, but I have a strong desire to surround myself with quality

2) I want to be noticed but not the center of attraction

3) I care about how I look but I don't like superficiality

4) I come across as moody and cold, but deep down, I am actually sensitive, deep and emotional

5) I am all or nothing, and rarely in between

6) I am understanding, listening and empathetic, yet incredibly stubborn

7) I rebel, but I also want to be accepted

8) I am wonderful and frustrating at the same time

9) I am feminine and masculine at the same time

10) I am a hopeless romantic with a dirty mind

OK, in order of relevance, they will be:

6, 4, 8, 5, 1, 3, 10, 7, 9 and 2

being myself

Today, someone asked how does one know if an opposite party is being himself or herself. This is an interesting question. To me, I try to be myself as best as I can. Usually, it results in 3 scenarios:

1) The opposite party lets his/her guard down and out comes his/her life story

2) The opposite party remains as guarded as ever

3) The opposite party tried to be open, but you can sense that something remains amiss

I have this ability to see through people. Very often, my predictions come true, often only months down the road. Usually their body cues give it all away, their facial expressions, the slightest frown or smile, the authenticity of the handshake, the background, the social upbringing, the situation, the audience. All or a combination of these factors quickly come into play, and I tend to psycho analyze everything and form a picture of the person I'm speaking to.

When I let my guard down and speak freely, I tend to notice that people tend to do the same, but remain shielded in certain aspects. That's perfectly understandable, as trust is only gained over time. With repeated meetings, and asking the correct questions however, it allows me to see more into the person. I'm not sure if this is an ability or something, but I just seem to be able to do it. Of course there are occasions when I was wrong, but these are few and far between.

I felt that I had a big stone lifted off me today. It felt good. To HM, I still think it's a blessing to know you.

Steadfast, dedicated and idealistic, that's 3 words I will use to describe you. Hope to go cycling soon, it will be fun. You bring me back to the days when the world seems like a better place.

2812

Exactly 8 years ago, I was by your bedside that early morning. Your breathing slowed, I called the nurse and asked, "Is it time?"

She answered "Yes, please call your family. Do you want me to revive him if required?"

No, please don't. It is OK. Let him go.

It was very cold that whole night. Shivering, my voice was weak. You passed before they had the chance to say their final goodbyes.

I had tears in my eyes, they welled up a little. It wasn't until the morning after, that I totally broke down and reality sank in, that you will not be there anymore. I will be coming home to an empty house

I picked up your favorite and personal bowl from the dish-rack. It seemed like only yesterday that you were using it. I didn't imagine that your last step out of the house was in fact, really the last.

I wish that you were still around, knocking on my door late at night and asking me why am i still not asleep when it's already so late.

I was just 24 back then. Time flies...

the reason i jump

OK, i promised that I will write a review of this book. It took me about 5 hours to complete the book in its entirety. Somehow, several points had me stop and ponder. It was almost as if I could relate to what Naoki is saying.

His statement in the preface sums it all:

'Once you know the other person's inner self, both of you can be that much closer'

This book has offered me an intimate insight into the lives and thoughts of people suffering from autism. Correction - are they suffering? To me, it seems like we are the ones suffering from normalcy. Our actions and mannerisms towards people with autism are in fact the very reason why we can make them feel so worthless.

Contrary to what most people think, people with autism are actually aware of their surroundings. However, having limited to no control over their actions means that they will always be judged based on our perception of what's normal and what's abnormal.

A compelling and incredible read, I feel humbled by Naoki's first hand account of why people with autism behave in a special way. It made me appreciate the essence of life, how lucky we are and the very fact that I can be here at my desk gathering my thoughts in a collective manner to post this review.

All through my life, the source of my perception of people with autism had come from pretension and whatever I had chanced upon online. If we think that we understand, we probably don't, not until we have had the chance to at least read the book and examine the little details. There were several keywords which I had scribbled and highlighted. Like a tape-loop, they kept replaying in my head.

In no particular order, I can somehow relate to the 16 points below:

1) i am aware (that my predicament or condition does bother other people)

2) do not let me be the source of your stress, because it will make me feel worse

3) there is a gap (between what I am thinking and what I am saying)

4) i CANNOT express my feeling, but i feel the SAME as everyone else

5) i feel the impulse to run off to anything remotely interesting

6) i feel desperately lonely, especially after hearing someone say that I prefer to be on my own

7) seeing something beautiful makes me smile from the inside

8) i have difficulty connecting mental thoughts to bodily actions

9) my memories are all over the place, and never in a straight line

10) to do anything, i need to think, then visualize before finally encouraging myself to do it

11) i feel miserable when you give up on me. Please exercise some patience

12) sometimes i feel like i want to have wings and fly away

13) i like repetition. Unchanging things are comforting, seeing a spinning object is blissful

14) i just need more time

15) whatever that i cannot feel makes me all nervous

16) i am constantly struggling inside my own body

I am glad that I had the chance to thoroughly examine this book. It simply feels like it's a book that I was meant to read at some point in my life. The internal struggles of a boy with autism is a stoic story of someone braving the odds and stepping forward to tell the world that there is a place for everyone and a reason for everything.

I will just say that it is an incredibly humbling experience.

gratitude

Do not spoil what you have by desiring what you don't have, for what you have is desired by many around the world who don't have. = GRATEFUL