passing...

Colleague's wife passed away. Not a close colleague, but still, I feel so sad, not just for him, but for anyone who has experienced this feeling at some point in his or her life. Maybe it's just one of those days, but I cannot imagine my wife leaving me like that one day. I would be hysterical. I experienced it once, and I don't wish to experience it anytime soon.

I have shut my heart for very long. Too long to be exact, at least 2+ years. The pain of losing someone to disease or whatsoever, is too big a grief for me to handle. I might not cry like a girl, but the pain searing through my heart is known only to myself, and to a close few who knows what I am going through. Maybe this is the reason why I am so afraid of loving again...

It's not grief today, but sadness...that only I know the reason for. Fancy me thinking I have a heart of steel, as long as I don't open it. Today was a prime example of how I opened my heart and felt the sting stabbing through. It was like open-heart surgery. I had to stay solemn in that place for 30 minutes. Hopefully no one knew except someone.

I feel lifeless. God grant me strength please...but no, I have lost belief in my religion...I have lost belief in almost everything...No one can save me.

~~ risking non-closure for everything so dear, to me it seems, those precious moments were simply a mitigation of fear... ~~