Moldy

Mouldy

Hi everyone, even though no one reads this blog because no one knows about it. If anyone knows, probably only KY but i don't think she will be reading it, especially not at this stage (i really hope she is coping fine)

Why mouldy? Because I seem to have an affinity with mouldy things, especially bread. I always a bit (in fact very) scared of eating mouldy stuff because doc has warned me before it is very bad for my health. So as much as I can control, i will always eat fresh, and this is true especially for bread which I eat every morning. There had been previous 1-2 cases whereby I found that my breakfast bread had mould. Back then, i was totally angsty and i remembered really having big arguments with my mum. I told her I would buy my own bread from then on, and if she were to buy, i would only eat bread from a known reliable source (in this case I eat Gardenia Wholemeal, the one with green packaging)

So it happened that the past 2 days, my bread felt and tasted different. I knew it wasn't Gardenia, and even though the bread was fresh, my past experience made me confront my mum again yesterday night. I just couldn't understand why she had to buy a different brand when Gardenia at most costs less than a dollar more? Actually, I was ok with eating another brand as long as its fresh, but the thing was that my mum refused to admit she bought another brand even when questioned. This was the sucky part. It was only after probing further that she admitted. I don't understand why she needed to do this. Anyway, she said she will buy Gardenia the next morning (today) since she was going out anyway.

As i have said, many things have happened lately, particularly over the past few days. I did a lot of soul searching and questioning of myself these past few days. And I am eternally grateful to KY for pointing out the issues we had. And indeed, the issue was with me. I finally understand my flaws, the very flaws that contributed to the failure of our r/s. I was determined to change for the better

I teared a little this morning after I did what I did, because I realized all the mannerisms of me probably contributed a lot of hurt to the people around me, people who cared...

I saw the Gardenia loaf on the table. The old me would have taken it for granted, since my mum tops up the groceries every weekend and it was routine to see fresh bread or stuff on the table. But something in me made me message my mum to thank her, and to apologize as well. As I sent out those 2 SMS, tears started streaming down automatically, as I started to think about my past actions...

SMS

Me: Thank you for buying the bread. I put in the fridge already

Me: Sorry if I was harsh yesterday

Mum: Understand you going through this difficult phase. Stay focus and look forward. See you at home this evening

Me: Yes see u

It is important not to take the people around you for granted, especially the people who cared. You will never realize the gravity of the situation until you lose them one day

Despite me always convincing myself that i showed my care and concern in other ways, as I have normally done while not talking much, I think it is important to let them know that I do care, and I am genuinely sorry. Because you won't know if one day u lose this opportunity to tell them this. Words are important, so are actions. And my mindset is also important. It is not about what i do, it is about people's feelings and the appreciation that you show towards them

I realized I took KY for granted, not in a bad way that I don't care, but I think I contributed to the dying out of the r/s. Past the honeymoon phase and into the stability phase, it is important to show the other person you care. Yes, I did show my care through my actions, but the equally important part of being there for her, holding her hands, giving her the hugs and pecks, things I used to do...i failed to do all these, especially in the face of the pandemic whereby we were simply reduced to doing the 'good mornings', the occasional mid-day 'how's your day? busy? eaten lunch?' and the routine 'goodnights'. I think even the strongest r/s will wither if more time isn't spent with your significant other. Say what we want, but it's scientically proven to be true, and it's documented in so many articles. One needs to take positive action, effort is needed. I failed to contribute that effort because she was so familiar to me already

This is an important lesson. When KY says this break will allow us to grow, indeed it is true.

I did something which I would probably not do in the past. This is the time for me to show more love to the people around me, and not a time for wallowing in self-pity. This is the first step towards exiting the negative mindset that has plagued me for the best part of past 1 year. I am doing this for myself, and this is the way that KY would have wanted me to be...

She will always be a part of my life and my memories. I hope fate will have us be together again one day where she can know a grown up and stronger version of myself. If i want her back, it is not out of loneliness or loss, but because I truly believe in her and in us. This is a period of self reflection on things gone wrong, and knowing how to deal and make the best of it

That's why this period of separation is good for me to grow into a better person. Only when I am completely healed and have taken positive actions, then it is a new me. If KY doesn't give me the chance, I will not blame her also. I love her all the same...and I have only positive things to say and remember about her.