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today should have been the day where I could finally call her my wife. I went down to the place just to have a look, and imagining how it would have been if we were inside the restaurant, and going home together after that. The restaurant was empty when i went. It had a signage outside which read "X and Y". Alas, it wasn't my name and her name

it's been a pretty long time since we broke up. It doesn't feel so long, but indeed it's been 5 months or so. I really don't know what she thinks of me now, sometimes I wonder how can a person change from being a loving and caring girlfriend to someone who now treats me as a friend. In this 5 month period, I have been missing her each and every single day, although I try not to think too much about it, but honestly, there are always instances during the day whereby i wished that she was still beside me. Everytime i see something funny or worth talking about, she is still the first one i would want to share the news with. But i have accepted my fate, perhaps it was never meant to be. The strange thing is, even though the internet says anger is part of healing, but i have never felt angry in this entire 5 month period. So i wonder why? It is not because i do not care about the relationship, i think it is because i try to take comfort in respecting her decision and no matter what, i will still want the best for her. If it means that i need to get out of her life, then i have also no choice but to respect her decision. But i still love her and this part of me is something that shall always remain

i'm slowly looking around for a place since we cannot live together. My initial thought is just to rent out a room, and lock up the other room where i can put the big baymax on the bed and decorate the room with some special photos of us. i choose not to do it in my current room because it was never the place that we would be living in. Our abode is gone, but her memory will still stay on with me in another place. i'm not in a hurry to buy a place though, since prices are ridiculously high now. Hopefully i can get a reasonable place in a nice area with good food around. Thought of buying a private condo, but really not of much use to me. Let's see how it goes

8 jan 2022 - a day that stirs up thoughts of 'what it should and could have been'